by Branka Kurtz
I’m getting old, but for my mother I’m still a little child. My hair is becoming gray, and I’m still child for my mother. Only she shed tears for me, milk and blood. All of them have forgotten me, but not my mother. Everyone left me except my mother. The world has changed for me, but not the mother. Mother, how many times you wiped the tears from the cheeks when I went on a trip? How many nights you did not sleep when I was away? How many nights you spent with me when I was sick?
When I was coming from my trip, you were waiting for me, on the doors, with tears of joy in your eyes; and while I was leaving, you followed me with sadness in your heart.
Mother, you wore me under your ribs, with pain and suffering. You bore me with cries and groaning. You hugged me and welcomed me with kisses and smiles on your face. Mother, you never cried, until I fell asleep. You have never gone to rest, until I wasn’t completely happy. When I’d smiled, you would smiled too , even if you didn’t know the reason. And when I came gloomy, you would have cried even if you didn’t know the reason. You would forgiven me before I made a mistake, and forgotten everything before I repent. You would justify me, before I apologize.
Who praised me, you trusted to , even if he declared me “The ruler of the people” and “Full moon”. And who were slandering me, you wouldn’t believe to them, even if they bring the most reliable witnesses. Only you were always busy taking care of me.
I am the most important thing for you, most beautiful story, sweet desire, you’re doing well to me, and think that is not enough, you’re melting with longing for me.
If I could with tears of gratitude wash your feet, and take, from shame, your shoes.
I would love, if I could be able to take over your death and every trouble that befall you. My soul tells me that you’re destroying me. I sacrifice for you, knew it or not.
P.S. Happiness is something that a man feels inside : purity of the soul, calm the heart, chest spaciousness, and tranquility of being. Happiness is something that comes from man, and not imports from outside. If happiness is a tree which is the foundation of the human soul and heart, and since then the world of water for tree and food, air and light.
What is the most beautiful on the whole world? You while sleeping. Why? Because you are my only truth I do not think about, and while I looking at you while you sleep, I know that is the only picture on the world that depicts peace…that I need to be happy.
What is the biggest on the world? Your eye. What stands in it… it can’t stand in any other thing. Don’t be afraid of things that you can see, and to go around with half-closed eyes.
What is the sweetest on the world? A dream. Nothing can be that beautiful, colorful, and sweet, like you can make it in your dreams. Never forget to dream.
What is the hardest in the world? The hardest thing is, when you keep something, and don’t see the thing you keep.
What is the biggest fraud? The biggest fraud is… when two completely separated people are sitting by the same table, living in the same apartment, having the same last name, eating together, and by that way showing affiliation to each other ?! The biggest fraud is, when between two people stands only a warm plate of soup… is the only warmth that exist.
What hurts the most?
Loneliness! When someone decides to live alone…to sit alone. In this solitude, he can “accommodate” anything, and extract the best from him. But if you are living with someone, and feeling lonely , that is loneliness., that blocks the whole life. Everything you do is woven with that terrifying note of loneliness, and with convulsive fight, to get out of that. Loneliness next to someone, is the worst loneliness, that can ever happen to a man.
You are scaring me, you don’t mention love? Is there love? There is, of course, that’s why I’m talking all this. To find true love … you need to leave any love – an illusion, because, it will only make you unhappy. Love exist but I have so little to tell about it. Find her. I can’t learn you anything about that. Don’t ask me that. I am your mother , and surely I’ll always think that someone, who is with you , don’t love you, on the way I think you should be loved.
Why no one can love me, on the way you do?
I don’t know how to explain that either. One day you will understand. One day you’ll have child too, and you’ll see that is the only unconditional love on the world. Love by itself, that don’t ask, don’t search for any explanations. That is the biggest and the simplest love on the world.
You’re scaring me really? You don’t have to be afraid. Just take care of wrong people, wrong love, and don’t let the whole life seems wrong, and you too to yourself, whenever you look at mirror.
What is the most, that I should be kept of? People. There will be lots of them who will touch you, until they see, the place where you are the most sensitive. They will make one surgical, sharp cut, and peacefully look while you bleeding. Some people love to hurt others, without healing their own wounds. They can live only if they see , that others are suffering more than them. That is, my child what you should be kept of.